Monday, July 16, 2012

Irish people do not tan.

So Jude and I packed up our all of our earthly belongings and our pint-sized clones and moved from New Jersey, where we lived all our lives, to California last year.

Not having previously been a California resident, I had gotten the impression that as soon as you move to California, you are tan as fuck.

Not so much.

You see, my friends, I have what you call Irish people skin.

I go to the beach and people have to shield their eyes because my flesh is so white that it reflects the sun. Medieval queens used to drink arsenic to have skin as pale as me.

Irish people do not tan. They burn.

It's like some sort of Fairytale curse, you go out in the sun and it decimates your skin. You try as hard as you can, you sit out, you go tanning. But you just turn lobster red, hurt like a motherfucker and all your skin peels off from head to toe. And low and behold. The same shade of ultra white person lies in wait underneath, mocking you.

The best you can hope for is that some day, maybe your millions of freckles will connect together, giving the appearance of the presence of melanin.

Irish People Skin should be classified as a disease.

"Stay out of the sun. If you have Irish People Skin and the sun hits it, you will blister from head to toe and all of your skin will fall off".

We are like vampires without all the cool sexy stuff. Like when Kirsten Dunst tried to cut her hair in Interview with the Vampire, or trying to clean the house with three kids. It's pointless to try.

My husband, however, is Irish and Portuguese. But he has Portuguese skin.

I hate that motherfucker.

He sits in the car when it's partly cloudy with a sweatshirt on and gets a tan. He just has to look at the sun and absorbs its magical rays and tans. He is a bronze God.

The only thing that good about being Irish is having a ridonculous alcohol tolerance.

That and being able to buy cool Irish stuff from my lovely Mother-in-Law

Lesson learned. SPF 100 it is. And for all you beach goers whom I blind at some point, I am deeply sorry. It's not my fault I look like the guy who played Powder. Blame one of my horny relatives who decided to bed an Irishmen.

You know, cause pale, clammy guys with freckles are irresistible.

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