Sunday, July 15, 2012

I do hope he's kidding.

My husband, Jude, is a funny, funny man.

He is the inventor of super grown-up phrases the likes of "Pussy Butt", which is what happens when a woman gives birth and her vagina rips to her asshole and the inventor of "Mr. Happy Cock", a character he created, which is essentially a drawing of a penis with a face on it.

We are both twisted individuals, so we have seemingly serious conversations about things that could only exist in the atmosphere of our warped relationship, or inside the mind of Stanley Kubrick.

How one of those conversations went this morning:

Jude: "Hey, you knew I was getting up soon, so why did you get up and feed the kids? I was gonna do it in a minute."

Me: "Trust me. You did NOT want to handle that. Holden was covered head to toe in piss. Even his arms were soaked."

Jude: "You know what that means, right. That means it's time for him to use the potty. No more of this diaper stuff."

Me: "Ok, well we have to buy him a little potty. Like I keep saying. He can't use the big toilet. It's scary and it's too big for him."

Jude: "Why don't you train him to use a bucket?"

Me: "WHAT?!?"

Jude: "You know, get him to pee in a bucket. You have to dump it anyway. It's really the same thing as buying a potty and we don't have to spend any more money on it."

Me: "You're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding. Because I'm not going to teach our son that's it's a big boy thing to do to piss and shit in different areas of the house. I'm not dealing with that."

Jude: "Why? That's manly. That's straight up GG Alin shit right there."

Me: "If you ever get so manly that you feel the need to defecate in different areas of the house, I'm divorcing you. Here's your divorce papers, please don't shit anywhere on the way out. Anyway..... So we need to get him a potty. It has to have Elmo or something on it so he wants to use it."

Jude: "I will draw Elmo on the bucket."

Me: "Yeah, but you know you will end up drawing dicks on that bucket. And I think it will be a little off putting for our two year old to try to pee in a bucket with a picture of Elmo with a big dick."

Jude: "So, I'm gonna go make coffee...."

God, I love this man.

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