Thursday, October 4, 2012

The V in DMV stands for Victory.

We just moved to California last year, so I finally got around to going to the DMV today and applying for a California license (yeah, shut up. It's the result of uttering the words "I will definitely do it tomorrow" 365 times in a row).

I have to say, I was a bit nervous since they make you retake the written portion and it's been 12 years, 3 kids and 57 different hairstyles since I last took this thing.

I didn't even know if I would remember the answers anymore.

Not wanting to walk in blind to a possible ambush,*Gets on the speaker* "She's from Jersey! We're gonna need the long test form!", I went online and practiced with their tutorials, fully expecting to get some

"What do you do if a group of hippies decide to stage a sit-in in the middle of the road?" and "When should you offer some of your medical marijuana joint to a police officer?"
type of questions. I got a few wrong, but I tried to memorize the answers.

Easy peasy.

So I went in and the questions were pretty straight forward.

I took the test, going over each answer again and again like the people who flunk go into some sort of Shirley Jackson-esque lottery.

Which let's face it, they probably do. It takes a rare form of evil masochist to decide that they want to work for the DMV.

I stood in the line where they were grading the forms, triple checking all of my answers.

"I'm sorry sir, but you didn't pass. You can come back and try again another time."

The guy in front of me looked down at his shoes and got handed a slip that I imagined said "You're an idiot", in big red letters.

Oh, crap.


I walked up to the window. The woman looked at my form and didn't mark anything on it.

"Pass." she said.

But being the smug asshole that I am, I knew, but I had to ask.

"How many did I get wrong?"

"You got them all right." the woman said, visibly annoyed.

If the DMV sold food, she probably would have spit in mine.

But I didn't care. I knew I spanked that test.

She handed me my temporary license and I strutted back through the lobby, out the door and into the parking lot like John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever.

Who knows all the answers to the DMV written test?
Oh, that's right. I do.

Who's currently licensed to drive a motor vehicle in the state of California?
This gal.

Yes, I am being a gloating asshole about it, but I don't get many victories these days, so I gotta enjoy the little ones.

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