Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I need to never Google anything. Ever again.

No, this is not some convoluted advertisement for Bing.

I love to Google.

I would probably say that I spend a few hours a day browsing things on the web and a good half of that is usually spent Googling.

I'm a curious person, I like to know things. Generally out of boredom, so, like the rest of civilized society, I Google.

But some times, my crazy brain takes over and I Google out of paranoia. It's like drunk texting, but for lunatics.

And some times, a crazy person just isn't meant to know things.

Like how if you are forgetful, it could be a brain tumor, or how elbow pain could mean you are having a heart attack.

Google has pegged me for dead a good hundred to a hundred and fifty times.

And each time it's with something new.

And I always fall for their schtick.

"Holy shit, my elbow has been bothering me. I'm having a heart attack! My chest does feel kinda tight now that I think about it!"

"Oh my God, why is my heart racing now?"

Could it be because Google just informed me that I'm dying?

Could it also be because I'm having a heart attack in my twenties?
Not likely.

But boy, am I gonna check my pulse and freak out because of the off chance that Google might be right.

Googling your medical symptoms is like going to a 95 year old doctor, who is blind, deaf in one ear and calls you "Sonny", regardless of your age or gender.

He has no idea what's actually going on with you, can't read your diagnostic information, so he just guesses you have Polio, "cause it's what's goin' around, Sonny".

And you know it's wrong. Cause, you know, how the fuck could you have Polio?

...but maybe, just maybe....


"Do I have Polio?"

And this is why, I need to never Google anything, Ever again.

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