Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Summer's over. Back to the grind.

Today was the first day back to school for Phoenix, who just started 1st grade.

How did my day go?

Well,  I am sitting in bed drinking wine and shoveling a candy bar into my face.
Alright 6 candy bars and yes I ate them all... but they're "fun-size" so they don't count.

My day was....hectic. It started off so early that my alarm clock, after going off a few times, assumed that my lazy ass wasn't getting out of bed and shut itself off.

When I did finally wake up, I sprung out of bed, shuffled out to the pile of dishes from the night before that I was, "totally gonna get to when I got up in the morning", (yay procrastination!) and rinsed out just enough supplies for an IV drip of coffee.

I got coffee and lunches made and clothes picked out and had just enough time to get my own clothes on and make breakfast for the grown ups before it was time to wake the grumpy children.

Now, let me explain something. For the entirety of the summer, TWO ENTIRE MONTHS, my children did not sleep past 730 am.

They stayed up like they always do and partied until midnight and crashed out and would still be up with the sun.

So it felt good, and I mean real good, to go in there and wake them up at 7am.

I opened the blinds and they all kinda let out this half whimper, half death rattle and gave me the "You have to be fucking kidding me" look before reluctantly sitting up, and then stumbling out into the living room.

By the time I got the kids ready, I did not even have time to drink my ice cold cup of coffee. I took a few swigs, assumed that would have to do and ran everyone out the door.

Long story short, I did a lot of chauffeuring today. Which I knew I was gonna have to do, but I haven't done it in two months and I forgot the amount of bullshit it entails.

Kids in the car, kids out of the car. Kids in the car, kids out of the car....repeat until 7pm.

And each time you get out of the car again, the kids grow more and more repulsed by the idea of getting back in the car, until you are dragging three half-dressed-partially-shoed-limp-children out to a vehicle. 


And you know,  it wouldn't really be so bad if my kids weren't complete assholes.

For example:

Nice Kid- Puts on clothes and shoes and gets self ready for school.
Asshole- Throws naked self on floor, wiggles and squeals in glee as they make mommy dress them.

Nice Kid- Goes potty before you leave the house.
Asshole- Tells you they absolutely do not need to go and then act like it's emergency pee time as soon as you leave.

Nice Kid- Walks nicely down the steps because they do not want to get hurt.
Asshole- Purposely misses steps, trying to make mommy and other two kids fall down the stairs because "it's funny". Usually followed by a refusal to actually walk with their feet.

Nice Kid- Sits in the proper seat, puts on their seat belt and buckles up for safety.
Asshole- Plays musical car seats and makes you get in the backseat and hold them in a wrestling grapple to get their belt locked. Kicks the back of the car seats because they are half mad, half "making artwork with mud."

Nice Kid- Sits quietly in car seat and listens to the music. Avoids being loud during stressful moments.
Asshole- Waits for stressful driving moment to practice opera singing before getting into hair pulling match with sister/brother.

Etc, etc, etc.

They should make it legal to do more stuff drunk.

I'm not saying dangerous stuff. I just think that the moms at the playground should be able to play drinking games.

Instead of the kids being all "Come on mommy, let's go to the playground", I would be the one who was excited.

"Push me on the swing, mommy!"

"Just wait a minute, honey! The rules are that if one of you asks me to do something that makes me expel more energy than you, mommy has to take a shot!"

To all of the other moms who have to brave the school run tomorrow, Semper Fi, mamas and see you on the playground.

I'll bring the tequila.

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