Sunday, August 5, 2012

Are you there, God? It's me, Lunatic.

I have decided today that I am insane and need heavy doses of crazy medication.

A little backstory:
For those of you who don't know, I answered an ad on Craigslist last week for an acting part in a web-series and was asked to come and formally audition, today, down in Golden Gate Park. I was thrilled at first, then doubting whether or not I should do it.

First of all, it would be a two full day a month commitment, unpaid.

Second, it was an action role and I was doubting my chances, given that, despite our mutual penchant for drowning ourselves in unmanageable amounts of children, I don't exactly look like Angelina Jolie.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I would tuck my metaphorical penis between my legs, kiss the mirror and exclaim, "I'd do me.".

But I'm not exactly sure a casting director would.

So, with all of that being said and despite my negative Nancy mindset, I took a shower, pushed the boobs up, squeezed my ass into something tight, shook out my hair and decided that I was hot enough to leave the house and go into public.

I just forgot one thing... I'm crazy.

As I said earlier, the audition was at Golden Gate Park. Meaning country nouse had to drive into the city and try to find a boat-sized parking space.

And Jude refused to drive with me because he had shit to do. Meaning that despite begging and offering bribes that I didn't think he could refuse, I had to go it alone. Just me and the good 'ol GPS.

Only the GPS could not find my destination. And wouldn't stick to the window. And would only show me the map of where I was going but would not navigate.

Off to a good start.

So I figured I knew basically where it was and me and 'ol GPS, who is obviously on the rag today, would find it somehow.

So GPS in hand (because it would not stick to ANYTHING) and the steering wheel in the other, I drove off towards the park, glancing down every ten seconds at thestupidfucking GPS because it was still giving me a much undeserved silent treatment.

I started shaking, nervous because I had no clue where the hell I was going.

But I made it to Golden Gate Park, with my newly acquired speed-map-reading skills. Only there was some sort of festival. And no where to park the fucking car. WORST CASE SCENARIO.

Brain entering panic mode. Must....start...having...nervous...breakdown...

And this is where it gets interesting. You see, I hate to drive. I fucking hate it. More than I hate anything else on the planet. I don't know why, I'm just shit-scared of driving, especially when I don't know where I am. And super-especially when there is no designated place to stop and exit my vehicle. No end point, so the torture just feels like it goes on eternally. I cannot parallel park for the life of me and I don't know what I was thinking.

Desperate and sobbing, I tried to pull into a Whole Foods parking lot and some guy was valeting the cars. I figured, fuck it, at this point, I would just like to get out of the car.

I will go and buy a bottle of wine at Whole Foods and chug it Clerks style by the door.

But I can't fit in this spot. Youstupidblindmotherfucker, MY CAR WILL NOT FIT HERE! I CAN NEVER GET OUT OF THIS CAR! I WILL DIE IN IT!

So, I started to panic. I cut my wheels in a frantic effort just to get back out of the parking lot.

"Lady, what the fuck are you doing?!" he screamed.

said the Lunatic.

I turned my yacht around with inches to spare and burned rubber turning back on the road. I picked up my best friend, the GPS, wiped the flood of tears from my eyes and hit "Home".

So close, but I just couldn't do it.

I spent the entire ride home shaking and crying, parked the car back in the garage, came upstairs and hastily poured myself a glass of wine.

I couldn't do it. I'm not the type of person who can just be that independent. I don't go places by myself if I have never been there before.

I need some hand-holding, some coddling, and I sincerely appreciate that Jude, knowing this, usually holds my hand, pats me on the head and tells me to cut the shit.

But it's alright. I'm not ready yet. Not ready to strike out on my own and explore the big-bad-city all by my lonesome.

Sorry ladies, I couldn't make it to the audition today. But if you need someone in the future who can play an insane agoraphobic with severe anxiety and issues with being independent, I am so your girl.
...But you gotta come to me for the audition.

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