Eating vomit.
Bones protuding from skin.
Maggots...doing anything.
Those are MAYBE the only things that are more disgusting than snorting a bug up your nose.
As soon as I opened the door this morning to take my 6 year old to school, it shot up there like a sniper.
I'm fairly convinced the bug mafia put a hit on me for all those spiders I mildly irritated over the years with all my grandstanding, shoe throwing and shrieking.
If you are a lucky bastard and have never experienced the sheer delight of having a bug fly up your nose, allow me to describe the horror.
You see, it flies in and presumably dies in all the snot and gooeyness. Meaning, now you have a dead bug carcass stuck in your sinus cavity. But let's be me for a moment and go with the more disgusting scenario and say that it doesn't die. You have a half dead bug who might have always wanted to have children, but was way too focused on their career and is now contemplating laying it's buggy offspring in your crazy, paranoid little head. Either way, it's vile. And that's only the beginning.
On to the more disgusting question of how it gets out. Well, you know how when you're sick you sometimes get that phlegm at the back of your throat that can't be blown out, but you instead have to snort down your throat and spit out? I'm gonna let that sink in a moment..... And welcome to hell.
Yes, you blow your nose like you're trying to expel brain matter, but no bug.
Fuck, it's too far in there. It's gonna have to go out the other way.
*Snort, dry heave, snort, dry heave, repeat*
Still not coming out. So now, you have to wait for your gooey, winged nemesis to slide down further into your throat until it's palatable. You can feel the lump of bug in the back of your throat and on the verge of puking, you try, fruitlessly, to just spit this fucker out.
*GULP*
And end up swallowing it.
So now, I have a bug in my stomach and I'm entirely convinced that in a few weeks, end of life babies are gonna come shooting out of my nostrils.
Grossest. Shit. Ever.
Wow. You just made me add surgical masks to my shopping list. You think they sell those at Target? And let's just hope that yuck-a-licious bug wasn't carrying mad cow disease. A customer at a restaurant once told me some bugs carry it. BTW so excited I can post a comment!! (You're probably gonna wish you hadn't made it possible. Just say'n.)
ReplyDeleteGAHHHH! I hate it when this shit happens. I've had little gnats fly into my mouth so far down my throat I have to swallow them. It's so f***ing GROSS! Good luck with those little spawns when they projectile out of your nose once they're born! Hilarious post, btw!
ReplyDeleteI hate bugs in my nose and bugs in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI think you should feed that bug in your belly some nice chocolate with a wine chaser.
Oh definitely need to sterilize that sucker by drinking...anything alcoholic! lol!
ReplyDeleteThanks Carol, now I'm incubating bug babies AND mad cow disease. My brain needed to have that information.
ReplyDeleteMenopausal Mama- I've had the gnats in the mouth thing before. I think it goes without saying that bugs flying into any hole in your face is the grossest thing ever. And thanks for the comment on the post!
And My Half Assed Life and "Anonymous" that bug's gonna be hiccuping like a Disney mouse in a champagne glass before the end of the night. I have to chaperone a girl scout thing tomorrow, so I'm gonna drink my fill of wine tonight in anticipation of that one!
And I am so so SO happy that the comment issue is finally fixed. I'm excited to finally be able to talk to everyone and get some feedback!
ReplyDeleteHave a good night, ladies!
I'm literally two minutes from ending it all. If this bug doesn't come out of my throat.
ReplyDelete