|Coming 2013: Lots of man crotch.|
Between learning of the existence of Meggings and Kanye West wearing a skirt during last night's Nationally televised 121212 Concert, I have decided that it's my responsibility to write an open letter to the Metrosexual Men of the World, those heterosexual males, for which this trend might become popular.
Dear Metros of the World,
Cut the crap. By doing things like wearing "Meggings" (which are gonna make that sucked in red bull and vodka gut look incredible and force you to wear screen printed t-shirts with sayings like "I'm a Grower, not a Show-er"), you are ensuring that no woman will ever procreate with you. The end is totally nigh.
Things have gone far enough. You tan, you wax, you product. All things that I have cleverly avoided by marrying the last beacon of hope for humanity. A "man's man". For whom eyebrows means one, not two.
But I fear for my children. That they will in some way find this attractive. And I will end up with grand babies who have to wear Spanx to get into their onesies. Whose first hair cuts will be fades. And who smell of a permanent mixture of burnt on tanning oil and Acqua Di Gio.
I know how lucky I am. To have one of the last men of a dying breed. A man for whom pants means rugged jeans, or sweat. Who has embraced with open arms, the body hair and musty smells, with which he has been naturally gifted.
Some women might see this differently. I say it's because they don't know any better. Like how we will never know how fun it is to ride a Unicorn (or maybe it's terrifying, I don't know...)
These women don't realize how sexy a man looks when his jeans are slightly too tight and they sag down under his beer gut. They have never known the embrace of a sweaty man who smells of hard work and is obviously out of deodorant. Or what it's like to have a long makeout sesh with a scruff-bearing male and have a sweet two day reminder of the embrace in the form of beard burn. Or how titillating it is to watch your man get dressed and do the old sniff test as a form of quality control. You might say it's disgusting. I say it's downright sexy.
So please, please Metrosexual Men, don't embrace this Meggings thing. It's the most "unmanly" thing you could do and it's just taking this whole thing a bit too far. I know they don't make 'em like my husband anymore, but could you at least butch it up a little bit?
Besides, they look like they would create a Testicle/Vice Grip situation. So drop this trend like last season's Nike's. Your rapidly dwindling, fist pumping sperm colony will thank you.
The last SANE woman on the planet. (And my burly husband will tell you, that's a stretch)